Have you ever had that feeling, when you feel like no one cares about you anymore, no one remembers you, no one is by your side and so on? Have you ever feel like you're pleasing people a lot, but at the end of the day they still won't care? Have you every feel like you've been drifting apart with so many people, you don't know who will be gone next? That feelimg, when you don't know who's your best friend anymore, who's got your back and who will turn their back at you, who will leave you the next second without a goodbye.... everything, haunts me.
I always have this fear at night, midnight, thinking about who left me, who will be leaving next, who's already ready to leave and who is having the thought of leaving already. Because throughout the year, i just kept losing people, which leads me to this little un-named phobia of losing people. I don't like losing people, and i believe no one does.
I'm not one of those people who can bury all their feelings and anger just in a second, giving out a sweet smile even when in pain and anger. I just can't. I always show faces to people when i'm mad, get really straight forward with my comments and does every little action that majority can't take. I'm not that kind of person with high EQ, i'm not. I'm not a sweety everyone likes.
I can get hella moody at times, hating everyone at once, having rants and complains about everyone, telling people i don't care anymore, etc. But, i don't think anyone knows me enough to realize, i don't hate these people, i don't mean it when i say i don't care and i don't mind about what i complained about. Because i love those people, and i would never want to leave them, any of them, and i would never want any of them to leave me.
Only if they knew how much they ment to me...
People always say letting go and setting everything free is the best way to move on, but i don't want to, i resfuse to. I don't like letting go, i don't like goodbyes. I don't want to let go.
我真的不爱笑了.............吗？
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