thankful for friends.

2.5.2014 ❤️

My first semester, which is a short one month semester just ended on Tuesday. Although it's only a short one month, i am thankful that i met these people. 

We had to find our own group members for the Malaysian Studies group presentation and assignment, somehow, we found each other. We are from different programs, and i was the only one taking diploma in marketing among them. Since it's only a short one month, i thought we would be less close, like we'll get our homework done, once this semester is over we would go on our own again. But they made it so hard to have this attitude.

On the exact day of the mid term test, i suffered a major skin allergy on my face and my parents had to bring me to get medical attention. Of course, i would have to take my test some other day. When i was in the car falling asleep, my phone rang.

It was one of them. She said : "Jyeshin, quick, give me your student ID, we cheated and finished the test for you! Now all we need is your student ID! " My jaw dropped when i heard that, haha. Apparently i didn't have my student card with me and i don't know my student ID, so they couldn't pass up the paper for me. Anyhow, it was really heart warming to know that they actually tried to help me with the test :'D ! Also, they gave me all the answers! On the next day of school, i even got to know that they tried other ways to find my student ID, they checked the attendance list to see if they can find it there, how adorable! heh.

I know only selfless people, and people who treat you like their true friend would do this for you, so i am very, very thankful.

I've heard a lot of things about the friends we'll friend in college, the divas, the selfish, the fake, etc. But who i met were all selfless and pure, and they really do treat you like friends, this is another thing to be thankful for.

Although i don't really talk with you all, because it takes me a little longer to warm up, i still want to tell you guys you guys are the best, and thank you for making me one of your friend. Good luck and see you guys real soon! :)

emotional break down.

Being very honest, i am very confident about myself. I'm always proud to be me, proud of who i am, proud of what i can do. I feel lucky, i feel blessed, i feel wonderful all the time.

But this time, i'm no longer proud about myself, i am no longer secure. I'm a positive person, but this isn't what i can bear anymore.

A few months ago, i started getting rashes on my face. It brought me a shock because my skin had always been stronger than ever, it can take in any products, my scars heal pretty fast, i have no allergies, no serious breakouts or what so ever.

The rash started on the left side of my cheek, then it got to both sides of my cheeks, and now - it's all over my face.

I've done everything i could to stop this from happening, i tried literally everything. I am not allergic to anything, i tried to cut down poisonous food, i tried to be more careful with my products, nothing helped. It just kept getting more and more serious, and i am seriously frustrated.

I've come to the point where i fear my own reflection, i'm afraid of the mirror, i don't want to look at myself. Looking into the mirror, staring at myself and not crying seems to be a challenge. It's just too heartbreaking to know that what you've never wanted is happening to you, and it's not going away.

I'm afraid to go out, i'm afraid to meet people. I don't even want to leave my room because my family would just talk about my face and this only makes me feel worst. I'm pushing people away. Yes, they can tell me to keep my chin up, they can tell me i'll recover in no time, but they don't understand.

I hated people who tell me what to do when i'm at this point, because they don't understand, and yet they act like they do. I need comfort, not a guideline.

I've never ever hated myself this much before. I've never ever felt so unlucky to be me before.
All i can do now is hide, crying and wishing all the tears can wash these ugliness away.

How much longer do i have to feel this way? I'm not happy.

Stay determined.

I believe every graduated student would have to make a huge decision about their future career, well, i'm at that stage too. 

I believe this is a really hard stage for us all. A few months ago, high school examinations were the only thing we have to worry about, and just within a few months, we have to decide our future. We have to go through so much at this stage, all the seniors and oldies giving us different advices and opinions, parents forcing us to be something we have completely no interest of, we don't know what we want, we're afraid that we might make the wrong choice, etc. 

I was at that stage, i had to make a decision. After i'm sure of what i want, everyone just came in front of me and told me 

That's not a good choice

There's no bright future in that

You're worth more than that

That's something average people do

I see no bright future in that

I'm not supporting you

Well, you know what? Who cares! Who cares what other people say? My parents' friends can give me opinions that i wouldn't be happy to hear, even my own friends can. But it doesn't matter to me. 

Look, everyone can tell me what to do, they can say anything they want and make it sound easy, they can tell me what i'm doing is stupid, but who are they to tell me what to do? Sometimes you just can't take what people say too seriously. Just because you said by being a doctor i'll surely be successful, then i must be a doctor? No. Just because my future career doesn't have a name that's up above like doctors or lawyers doesn't mean i won't get to be successful. 

Imagine the founder of Starbucks said : "i'm going to make coffee and i'm going to be rich!" before starting this whole Starbucks thing, i don't think people would say anything nice but make it sound like a joke. 

I truly believe that there are possibilities in everything we do, so don't change your mind just because someone said you wouldn't archive anything in what you're going to do. Don't change your mind because people tell you that you can't be more than what you imagine you can be. 

a judgement can affect you for a minute ; a decision can affect you for a lifetime.

Are you going to be a lawyer for the rest of your life when all you ever wanted to be was an actor? I'm not going to hate my job and myself for the rest of my life just because someone said something to turn me down. I'd rather find a job that makes me happy than earning lots of money but hating my job. 

Maybe someday i'll be successful, or maybe i might not, but i know i'm gonna fight for what i want. I don't have to prove anyone wrong, proving someone is just like someone's judgement, they only last for a minute, it doesn't matter to them, because it's my life, not theirs. 

I'm gonna do what i want because it's what i want and it makes me happy, not because i want to prove people wrong. Not letting anyone make me change my mind, stay determined, that's what i'm going to do.




Faith, trust, hard work, and little lifts from God.
Wish me luck! :)

3 days of working.

Hello! It's been awhile since the last time I've ever posted something on this page, or even use the computer.


Since I just had my second working experience, I wanted to blog about it :)
I worked at Mid Valley's IT fair for 3 full days. It wasn't very hard but the only killer was we had to stand for 12 hours straight besides the short breaks during out lunch and dinner.

Of course, there are fun parts. We were the part timers and the full timers and crew was pretty friendly, they weren't as scary as I thought they would be. They were just like us, a little older but still acting like a teenager when they talk to us and tease us.


I think the best part was working with my favorite person - Liphoong. We were in the same booth and we would give each other a fist bump or a high or low five when we success in convincing a customer to buy our products. Working could be boring when everyone just come and go in front of your booth, but he would do so many silly faces to make sure I put a smile on my face to him or to the other customers. I think we always have a lil chemistry when we work together, working with him gave me a little flashback to our school's Pameran last year, where we would talk so many silly things together to convince people to play games at our booth, heh!


But during day 2 we were in separate booths, which is just across each other's booth. We didn't get to talk that much but he still did all his silly faces to me every time I lay my eyes on him. He even danced Psy's gentlemen dance and got caught by one of the full timer that was laughing at him the whole time with me! 


It's always good to have a little sunshine around you :')


During working i got to meet so many people, some who are deaf, some who can't speak at all, and of course, typical Malaysians! They would do whatever it takes to get a lower price from you. Not just Malaysians, even some white people i served bargained with me. I storied my mother and she went : "you see, it's not just me! Everyone is like that."


On my 1st day of work an uncle asked me :
"you just came back from overseas?"
"no i just graduated from high school"
"your English doesn't sound local huh"
haha, a little over joyed. I haven't speak in English for quite a while now and of course my confidence was pretty low, you don't know what a simple sentence can do to someone. *hearts*


On day 2 i served another uncle till he went to pay for his buy, after paying he came back to me and said "你很棒！一直笑 " and gave me a thumbs up. It really boosted me up because i was about to reach the point of showing an unhappy face due to my painful feet. It's always amazing how God choose to support and surprise you to keep you going :')


Day 3 was pretty bad cause i wasn't happy the whole day. But i got to experience what do people do after they end a fair. We had to stay back to clear the booth together, it's kinda amazing what teamwork can do. We had to carry the boxes of products to the somewhat storeroom and when i went to grab a box one of the crew handed me one and said "this one is specially for you" and it was a really, really light weighted box, haha!


Anyway people, respect promoters because you don't know what they've been through the whole day and how many people they have to serve and please in a day. And of course, their painful feet that are almost flat after a long day of standing, that's the worst, i swear.


Sorry if this post is really long and i thank you for reading this from the start till the end. I want to and will try to blog more often! :)


Toodles!

Rise then Fall.

For 2 weeks, i was at the exact down hill of my life. I started to feel worthless, I felt unwanted, I felt unappreciated, I felt unloved, I felt.... alone.


I used to like walking behind, because i feel secure, knowing that there will be someone in front of me, because i'm afraid if i walk too fast, i will lose everyone when i turn back. At the same time, i felt like i was protecting everyone, everyone in front of me, because i get to watch them, i get to look after them.
But this habit, is starting to become something really negative for me. I noticed whenever i try to "protect" people, they face me with their back. I noticed everyone who once said they'll be there for me when i fall, who will always be ready to catch me when i lose balance, is always facing me with their backs. One day, walking at the end of everyone, again, i questioned them in my heart : "how would you notice when i fall, when you face me with your back all the time?"
My heart sank for a second.


When i start to love someone, i love them endlessly. Try giving me a name of someone i used to be really close with and question me if i still love him/her. The answer will usually be yes.There were a hundred, no, a thousand times when i find reasons to give up on loving someone, i just couldn't. I can't possibly know how someone can leave someone because of one reason, one argument or something they've done. My love is deep, and it's endless. I don't like showing them, i don't like letting people know how i truly feel for them. Maybe that's the reason why people always complain how ice-y cool i am. The fact is, i'm not.
I remember staying up till 4 in the morning, just to accompany one of my friend when she's down, because she needs me. I remember running up and now to find something for my friend. I remember giving my friend unexpected surprises. I remember how i bought a Mickey plush all the way from Florida to my friend's hand, just to show her how much she means to me, and that i havecve her in mind no matter where i go.


But i don't know since when, loving became a really tiring job. I start to crave for love, i start to wish i was loved back with the same way, I start to feel that everything i gave out was unappreciated at all. I wanted to be loved back, i wanted to feel the feeling i give to people, i wanted someone who loves me back 24/7. I know true love never seek for return but, after all, i am just a person. I am not the Lord, or Jesus Christ, or a pastor or any well-trained leader in church. I am a person, i would love to be loved too.


All the time i hear people telling me i look really steady, cool and strong. Does that means it's not possible for me to fall? Does that means i'll always have to show someone how strong i am? Does that means i don't stand a chance to cry and be treated like a little girl?
Why?


Maybe i just take this whole loving thing too seriously.


I realized i've been building walls around me, I've been pushing people away. I start to feel hatred inside me, i start to have the thought of giving up.
If you tell me you don't think i've tried, i'd answer
"who would have the thought of giving up when they haven't even started trying?"


For 2 weeks, i flooded my pillow with my tears every single night, leaving some questions to myself. I was really tired and depressed, and i realize there are so many things that i'm holding on still, when i'm supposed to let them go a long time ago. I expected people who told me they love me and will be there for me to notice how torn i am, but i don't think any of them was that sensitive about me.

And so,


I gave up. I gave up trying so hard to be around people, i gave up expecting, i gave up expecting people to appreciate the things i've done for them. I gave up expecting someone to love me. I gave up literally every single thing.


Heart aching, but i can't seem to find a reason to keep me going anymore.



"I'm done, i give up, I don't wanna pretend no more. That's it, so what, I've lost a friend before. Gonna say it like it is, no more wondering what if, that ain't the way you ougtha live. 'Cause i don't want you to love me, if you're not gonna love me for me." - Love me for me, Cher Lloyd. 

“你不懂我内伤，能笑我也尽量”



这两年，一百天里面，有四十天是不开心的。
很多事情我都不愿意告诉人，
因为对我来说，没有人会明白
对我来说，他们都只会说 “你想多了。”

没有一个人会愿意去想没有发生且会让人不高兴的事情。
很多人常说我不多笑，我不爱笑
能笑，谁又不会？
我的人，如果没有去笑的理由，是很难笑出口的。
真正值得去笑的理由，我很早就已经失去了。


我不是没有努力过，我不是没有尝试过
我努力得很辛苦，我尝试得很累
就是因为爱，我坚持。
就算心被伤得伤痕累累，我都坚持。
我坚持得好心痛。


我不是你们眼中那样幸福
我不是每一天都可以过得很开心的人
我和一般人一样，我有很多隐藏着的秘密
我和一般人一样，我会跌倒，
我会羡慕，我会妒忌。


我为谁掉过几次泪，我知道。


面具戴得再紧，也总会有脱落的一天。
很想放弃，很想离开。

Here comes the time when i have the urge to blog again. It's pretty typical of me that i only blog when i'm not happy.


Well, i'm not happy. I don't think i am at all. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. But i don't have an excuse to stop what i'm doing, or any other choice to make. What i'm doing and what i have to do just keeps getting more and more, harder and harder, and i have to try my best to keep myself on track, to maintain my speed, cause if i don't, i'll fall.


Sometimes i ask myself, "why am i doing this to myself?" But there's no use asking such question, cause even if i repeat it a thousand times, there's still no turning back. I started it, and it's now my responsibility. It was my choice, and i'll have finish it no matter what.


自己选的路，跪着也要走完·.


And just when i can sit down for a break, my mind starts running. Every time it does, i'll just get more and more depressed. There are still so many things in my mind that i can't let go of. I know it's still there all the while, i just refuse to think about it. But when i'm quiet and alone, it'll just come and hit me again.


Why do i have so many unhappy thoughts that i can't let go of? Why and how did everything turn this way? Everything used to be perfect.... I had everything, i can say, everything. But now it just feels like i've lost everything, so many things that i couldn't afford to lose, i lost it all.


"so what if i met them? i lost them."
"so what if i have this now? i lost that."
there are so many things that i would give out just to make it all come back to me again.


All the things that used to make me feel like the luckiest girl on earth, i lost them all....







I just can't.