Stay determined.

I believe every graduated student would have to make a huge decision about their future career, well, i'm at that stage too. 

I believe this is a really hard stage for us all. A few months ago, high school examinations were the only thing we have to worry about, and just within a few months, we have to decide our future. We have to go through so much at this stage, all the seniors and oldies giving us different advices and opinions, parents forcing us to be something we have completely no interest of, we don't know what we want, we're afraid that we might make the wrong choice, etc. 

I was at that stage, i had to make a decision. After i'm sure of what i want, everyone just came in front of me and told me 

That's not a good choice

There's no bright future in that

You're worth more than that

That's something average people do

I see no bright future in that

I'm not supporting you

Well, you know what? Who cares! Who cares what other people say? My parents' friends can give me opinions that i wouldn't be happy to hear, even my own friends can. But it doesn't matter to me. 

Look, everyone can tell me what to do, they can say anything they want and make it sound easy, they can tell me what i'm doing is stupid, but who are they to tell me what to do? Sometimes you just can't take what people say too seriously. Just because you said by being a doctor i'll surely be successful, then i must be a doctor? No. Just because my future career doesn't have a name that's up above like doctors or lawyers doesn't mean i won't get to be successful. 

Imagine the founder of Starbucks said : "i'm going to make coffee and i'm going to be rich!" before starting this whole Starbucks thing, i don't think people would say anything nice but make it sound like a joke. 

I truly believe that there are possibilities in everything we do, so don't change your mind just because someone said you wouldn't archive anything in what you're going to do. Don't change your mind because people tell you that you can't be more than what you imagine you can be. 

a judgement can affect you for a minute ; a decision can affect you for a lifetime.

Are you going to be a lawyer for the rest of your life when all you ever wanted to be was an actor? I'm not going to hate my job and myself for the rest of my life just because someone said something to turn me down. I'd rather find a job that makes me happy than earning lots of money but hating my job. 

Maybe someday i'll be successful, or maybe i might not, but i know i'm gonna fight for what i want. I don't have to prove anyone wrong, proving someone is just like someone's judgement, they only last for a minute, it doesn't matter to them, because it's my life, not theirs. 

I'm gonna do what i want because it's what i want and it makes me happy, not because i want to prove people wrong. Not letting anyone make me change my mind, stay determined, that's what i'm going to do.




Faith, trust, hard work, and little lifts from God.
Wish me luck! :)

3 days of working.

Hello! It's been awhile since the last time I've ever posted something on this page, or even use the computer.


Since I just had my second working experience, I wanted to blog about it :)
I worked at Mid Valley's IT fair for 3 full days. It wasn't very hard but the only killer was we had to stand for 12 hours straight besides the short breaks during out lunch and dinner.

Of course, there are fun parts. We were the part timers and the full timers and crew was pretty friendly, they weren't as scary as I thought they would be. They were just like us, a little older but still acting like a teenager when they talk to us and tease us.


I think the best part was working with my favorite person - Liphoong. We were in the same booth and we would give each other a fist bump or a high or low five when we success in convincing a customer to buy our products. Working could be boring when everyone just come and go in front of your booth, but he would do so many silly faces to make sure I put a smile on my face to him or to the other customers. I think we always have a lil chemistry when we work together, working with him gave me a little flashback to our school's Pameran last year, where we would talk so many silly things together to convince people to play games at our booth, heh!


But during day 2 we were in separate booths, which is just across each other's booth. We didn't get to talk that much but he still did all his silly faces to me every time I lay my eyes on him. He even danced Psy's gentlemen dance and got caught by one of the full timer that was laughing at him the whole time with me! 


It's always good to have a little sunshine around you :')


During working i got to meet so many people, some who are deaf, some who can't speak at all, and of course, typical Malaysians! They would do whatever it takes to get a lower price from you. Not just Malaysians, even some white people i served bargained with me. I storied my mother and she went : "you see, it's not just me! Everyone is like that."


On my 1st day of work an uncle asked me :
"you just came back from overseas?"
"no i just graduated from high school"
"your English doesn't sound local huh"
haha, a little over joyed. I haven't speak in English for quite a while now and of course my confidence was pretty low, you don't know what a simple sentence can do to someone. *hearts*


On day 2 i served another uncle till he went to pay for his buy, after paying he came back to me and said "你很棒！一直笑 " and gave me a thumbs up. It really boosted me up because i was about to reach the point of showing an unhappy face due to my painful feet. It's always amazing how God choose to support and surprise you to keep you going :')


Day 3 was pretty bad cause i wasn't happy the whole day. But i got to experience what do people do after they end a fair. We had to stay back to clear the booth together, it's kinda amazing what teamwork can do. We had to carry the boxes of products to the somewhat storeroom and when i went to grab a box one of the crew handed me one and said "this one is specially for you" and it was a really, really light weighted box, haha!


Anyway people, respect promoters because you don't know what they've been through the whole day and how many people they have to serve and please in a day. And of course, their painful feet that are almost flat after a long day of standing, that's the worst, i swear.


Sorry if this post is really long and i thank you for reading this from the start till the end. I want to and will try to blog more often! :)


Toodles!

Rise then Fall.

For 2 weeks, i was at the exact down hill of my life. I started to feel worthless, I felt unwanted, I felt unappreciated, I felt unloved, I felt.... alone.


I used to like walking behind, because i feel secure, knowing that there will be someone in front of me, because i'm afraid if i walk too fast, i will lose everyone when i turn back. At the same time, i felt like i was protecting everyone, everyone in front of me, because i get to watch them, i get to look after them.
But this habit, is starting to become something really negative for me. I noticed whenever i try to "protect" people, they face me with their back. I noticed everyone who once said they'll be there for me when i fall, who will always be ready to catch me when i lose balance, is always facing me with their backs. One day, walking at the end of everyone, again, i questioned them in my heart : "how would you notice when i fall, when you face me with your back all the time?"
My heart sank for a second.


When i start to love someone, i love them endlessly. Try giving me a name of someone i used to be really close with and question me if i still love him/her. The answer will usually be yes.There were a hundred, no, a thousand times when i find reasons to give up on loving someone, i just couldn't. I can't possibly know how someone can leave someone because of one reason, one argument or something they've done. My love is deep, and it's endless. I don't like showing them, i don't like letting people know how i truly feel for them. Maybe that's the reason why people always complain how ice-y cool i am. The fact is, i'm not.
I remember staying up till 4 in the morning, just to accompany one of my friend when she's down, because she needs me. I remember running up and now to find something for my friend. I remember giving my friend unexpected surprises. I remember how i bought a Mickey plush all the way from Florida to my friend's hand, just to show her how much she means to me, and that i havecve her in mind no matter where i go.


But i don't know since when, loving became a really tiring job. I start to crave for love, i start to wish i was loved back with the same way, I start to feel that everything i gave out was unappreciated at all. I wanted to be loved back, i wanted to feel the feeling i give to people, i wanted someone who loves me back 24/7. I know true love never seek for return but, after all, i am just a person. I am not the Lord, or Jesus Christ, or a pastor or any well-trained leader in church. I am a person, i would love to be loved too.


All the time i hear people telling me i look really steady, cool and strong. Does that means it's not possible for me to fall? Does that means i'll always have to show someone how strong i am? Does that means i don't stand a chance to cry and be treated like a little girl?
Why?


Maybe i just take this whole loving thing too seriously.


I realized i've been building walls around me, I've been pushing people away. I start to feel hatred inside me, i start to have the thought of giving up.
If you tell me you don't think i've tried, i'd answer
"who would have the thought of giving up when they haven't even started trying?"


For 2 weeks, i flooded my pillow with my tears every single night, leaving some questions to myself. I was really tired and depressed, and i realize there are so many things that i'm holding on still, when i'm supposed to let them go a long time ago. I expected people who told me they love me and will be there for me to notice how torn i am, but i don't think any of them was that sensitive about me.

And so,


I gave up. I gave up trying so hard to be around people, i gave up expecting, i gave up expecting people to appreciate the things i've done for them. I gave up expecting someone to love me. I gave up literally every single thing.


Heart aching, but i can't seem to find a reason to keep me going anymore.



"I'm done, i give up, I don't wanna pretend no more. That's it, so what, I've lost a friend before. Gonna say it like it is, no more wondering what if, that ain't the way you ougtha live. 'Cause i don't want you to love me, if you're not gonna love me for me." - Love me for me, Cher Lloyd. 

“你不懂我内伤，能笑我也尽量”



这两年，一百天里面，有四十天是不开心的。
很多事情我都不愿意告诉人，
因为对我来说，没有人会明白
对我来说，他们都只会说 “你想多了。”

没有一个人会愿意去想没有发生且会让人不高兴的事情。
很多人常说我不多笑，我不爱笑
能笑，谁又不会？
我的人，如果没有去笑的理由，是很难笑出口的。
真正值得去笑的理由，我很早就已经失去了。


我不是没有努力过，我不是没有尝试过
我努力得很辛苦，我尝试得很累
就是因为爱，我坚持。
就算心被伤得伤痕累累，我都坚持。
我坚持得好心痛。


我不是你们眼中那样幸福
我不是每一天都可以过得很开心的人
我和一般人一样，我有很多隐藏着的秘密
我和一般人一样，我会跌倒，
我会羡慕，我会妒忌。


我为谁掉过几次泪，我知道。


面具戴得再紧，也总会有脱落的一天。
很想放弃，很想离开。

Here comes the time when i have the urge to blog again. It's pretty typical of me that i only blog when i'm not happy.


Well, i'm not happy. I don't think i am at all. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. But i don't have an excuse to stop what i'm doing, or any other choice to make. What i'm doing and what i have to do just keeps getting more and more, harder and harder, and i have to try my best to keep myself on track, to maintain my speed, cause if i don't, i'll fall.


Sometimes i ask myself, "why am i doing this to myself?" But there's no use asking such question, cause even if i repeat it a thousand times, there's still no turning back. I started it, and it's now my responsibility. It was my choice, and i'll have finish it no matter what.


自己选的路，跪着也要走完·.


And just when i can sit down for a break, my mind starts running. Every time it does, i'll just get more and more depressed. There are still so many things in my mind that i can't let go of. I know it's still there all the while, i just refuse to think about it. But when i'm quiet and alone, it'll just come and hit me again.


Why do i have so many unhappy thoughts that i can't let go of? Why and how did everything turn this way? Everything used to be perfect.... I had everything, i can say, everything. But now it just feels like i've lost everything, so many things that i couldn't afford to lose, i lost it all.


"so what if i met them? i lost them."
"so what if i have this now? i lost that."
there are so many things that i would give out just to make it all come back to me again.


All the things that used to make me feel like the luckiest girl on earth, i lost them all....







I just can't.

Drop everything now.

Have you ever had that feeling, when you feel like no one cares about you anymore, no one remembers you, no one is by your side and so on? Have you ever feel like you're pleasing people a lot, but at the end of the day they still won't care? Have you every feel like you've been drifting apart with so many people, you don't know who will be gone next? That feelimg, when you don't know who's your best friend anymore, who's got your back and who will turn their back at you, who will leave you the next second without a goodbye.... everything, haunts me.

I always have this fear at night, midnight, thinking about who left me, who will be leaving next, who's already ready to leave and who is having the thought of leaving already. Because throughout the year, i just kept losing people, which leads me to this little un-named phobia of losing people. I don't like losing people, and i believe no one does. 

I'm not one of those people who can bury all their feelings and anger just in a second, giving out a sweet smile even when in pain and anger. I just can't. I always show faces to people when i'm mad, get really straight forward with my comments and does every little action that majority can't take. I'm not that kind of person with high EQ, i'm not. I'm not a sweety everyone likes.

I can get hella moody at times, hating everyone at once, having rants and complains about everyone, telling people i don't care anymore, etc. But, i don't think anyone knows me enough to realize, i don't hate these people, i don't mean it when i say i don't care and i don't mind about what i complained about. Because i love those people, and i would never want to leave them, any of them, and i would never want any of them to leave me. 

Only if they knew how much they ment to me...

People always say letting go and setting everything free is the best way to move on, but i don't want to, i resfuse to. I don't like letting go, i don't like goodbyes. I don't want to let go.

我真的不爱笑了.............吗？

December.

Here comes the time of the year, when i thank everyone who've came into my life this year. Apparently this year wasn't the year for me, in fact, it seemed like it wasn't the year for everybody. But thankfully, i have these people in my life, who made me really really happy. :) of course i'm not close with all of them still, but i have to say, i'll never stop loving them.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you can't stop loving or leave them no matter how much they've hurt you and made you cry? Well, that's how much i love these people.



                                                                                                                                                    


Viviane Kok,
I read your blog again, and i went through all the older post on your blog. I remembered how sweet we used to be to each other. You always tell people how much you love me, always telling people i'm your best friend, bragging about how perfectly amazing i am, and always taking pictures of me doing ugly faces without me knowing... Everything was, nice. We had promises, inside jokes, wishes, laughs, memories, nick names, everything. Of course, you were my best friend. I can just pour everything to you when i feel like, tell you secrets no one is supposed to know about me, bragging about what an amazing life i'm having without having to worry if i annoyed you with my brags. Well, guess time really can change things. Everything just came to an end, and i guess the both of us can do nothing but accept it. No matter what, thank you for being my best friend, listening to my rants and always caring about me before everything changed. I love you.



Fan Lip Hoong,
You, stupid guy who always calls me black and charcoal. Please accept the fact that i'm no longer that tan okay? You are always super mean to me but i know you always see me as one of your good friends, which is really really nice for me. Thank you for getting me souvenirs, that makes me know that you actually have a heart for me even though we don't really talk often anymore. You always make me a little happier when i need someone to cheer me up. You're just that kind of friend that knows what to do to make people happy. Thank you for being my friend and making me happy.



Chow Yik Cheng,
Brother! I always feel like you understand me, you know when i'm sad, you know when i'm lying, you know when i'm mad, everything! Which is really really nice because it's not something everyone can do. When i'm upset and i don't feel like telling anyone, you'll just come up to me on your own, and that warms my heart every single time. Though your advices are always stupid and lame, they never fail to cheer me up a little. Thank you for always being there when i need someone and giving concern to me when i need some. And also thank you for always taking my insults, hehe. Thank you for being my brother and making me smile. I promise to be the one who cheer people up next time, just like you.



Ho Min,
My small girl girl! Thank you for being there for my birthday, even though you know that your mum would be mad at you after that. And sorry for not making something big for you for your birthday. Throughout the year, thank you for loving me even though i have an attitude problem, and bringing laugthers for all of us. You're really really cute, don't cry so often okay? All little girls nave to grow up someday, but that doesn't mean i'll stop protecting you. Xx



Wong Kian Ying,
My dear. I remembered how close we used to be. Always hanging out together, getting in trouble together, turning into bitches together. Haha! I know we're not that close anymore, and i know that a lot of unhappy things happened around you this year, i'm sorry that i wasn't always by your side. I know that i still have a position inside your heart, even though we are not that close anymore. Thank you for the birthday card, i really appreciate it. And even though i'm closer with someone else now, doesn't me i've forgotten you, forgotten us. I never did. I love you my dear, stay strong like how you used to be.



Joanne Tee,
My baby! I have no idea why i like you so much, and i have no idea why are you the closest with me in Aces. I just look forward in seeing in you practice all the time, and i really like you. Thank you for being there to listen to my feelings, even when you were studying or about to study at the moment, and even if my rants are a lil childish. Thank you for being there and letting me know you'll me there. I love you!



Dickson Tan,
Dreamy dreamy Dickson! Although we only started to really talk lately, but i have to say, you're one of the people i trust now. And also, thank you for giving me a part of your trust, when you can hardly trust anyone anymore. Thank you for cheering me up sometimes, and being there to listen, i hope you don't find me annoying with all those complains. Hehe. And also thank you for your chocolates, i was actually joking but i never thought that you'd buy for me, it made me really, really happy though. I know how you hardly trust people now after what you've been through, but now that i have your trust, i will appreciate it, and i hope i won't let you down someday. You're so dodol it's so funny sometimes.



Adrian Lee,
Fishy! I don't know how we got close either but i'm happy that you trust me. Though you've made me really mad and upset and hated you, but i'm still treating you like my brother. You're one heck of an emotional guy. And it's really funny sometimes to see you going upset about little things. It just makes me happy when i can cheer you up when you're down, cause that's when i know that my jokes are actually funny. Haha! Whether you want it or not, i'll still treat you like my brother, you crying fish. And thank you for trusting me!



Lee Chee Choon,
I really like talking to you. That night when i couldn't find anyone else to talk to, i thought of you. And surprisingly, you listened, in a very very nice way. I never thought that someone like you, who always joke around and act all funny can be this serious and quiet when someone is actually telling you their feelings. That night when i felt all lost and miserable, you made me feel like i have someone i can talk to, and cheered me up. And that's when i started to like talking to you. Thank you for that day, and cheering me up with your stupid jokes sometimes when i need something to turn my frown upside down.



Eng Shi Yi,
Though we're not that close anymore, i still miss you at times. And i have never once, regretted being by your side when everyone didn't. You were one of my closest friend, and i'm sorry if i did something that changed that. I'll never forget you, cause i can hardly forget anyone, and you're one of the people who were really close to me. I know you go through some tough times in your life sometimes, when you feel like you have no one, when you feel like you have nothing, when you feel like nothing... remember, you'll always mean something to me. I'll be here, whenever you need me. :)



Teh Wei Ching,
My little nephew. I'll never forget how close we were, and how you were always there when i needed you. That little boy that annoys me yet makes me smile at the same time every time i go online on Facebook. That little boy i'd like to take care of as if you were my actual nephew. Although everything is upside down now, I didn't forget you, i never did. Sometimes when i'm upset and go all emotional on Twitter, i will still wish to see that lil Facebook chatbox pop up with you name on it, asking me : "hey auntie, what's wrong again?" like how it used to be. I missed it, i missed you. Sorry for making things twist and turn, and making you one of the saddest person for some period. Thank you for making me smile for uncountable times, thank you for loving and taking care of me in every way you can last time. Thank you for everything. I love you.



Dickson Kong,
Coach D! I can't never stop telling people you're my favourite coach and i love you. You always believed in me, even when i get all scared and tell you i can't do it. You make me feel like you love me more than the others, and you believe in me, which gives me the spirit to go on and archive something. Thank you for always teaching me ways to perfect my stunt and believing in me, even when i can't believe in myself. Everything just seems possible when you're there. I love you coach! :)



Ruben Hoo,
My brother. Seeing my Facebook history reminds me how close we used to be.You used to find me very often, I can tell you everything, and you can tell me everything. We were like real brothers, sharing feelings and secrets every night. I'm pretty sorry to hear that I've changed a lot from you. Of course i notice things changed to, we don't talk that often anymore, and i'm not that brother you'd find whenever you need someone anymore. I'm sorry that i'm not that person who gives you advice and talk all nicely and sweetly to you anymore. I'm sorry you can't rely on me anymore. But anyhow, you will always be my brother.



Eugene Teng Kien Win,
Giant Eugene, the 21 year-old i know who gets along so well with us teenagers. Haha. I believe my maturity is considered childish for you, and i thank you for still listening when i tell you stupid things and give stupid complains. Thank you for giving me your patience even when i get all mad and rude when i talk sometimes. And i'm happy to know that i can trust you, and you can trust me. Thank you for basing me even though i always freak out and fail a stunt you're trying to archive. You're a really good friend, and super tall.



Suet Yee Xiiao Yee,
My baby Yeeyee! I love how much you love me, and how much you care for me. Even though we don't see each other often and i'm 2 years older than you, you still make me feel welcomed every time i appear unexpectedly. Thank you for always asking if i'm okay whenever you see me being unstable, reminding me that i have Him and you'll be by my side whenever i need someone. Knowing that you care a lot for me just warms my heart. I love and miss you too Suet Yee.



Chin Pooi Kee,
Pooi Kee, Pooi Kee, the name that will automatically pop up in my mind whenever i need someone. Thank you for taking care of me all the time, giving me good advice and not give up on me. I'm sorry i don't pick up your calls sometimes and disappoint you, but i need you to know that i really, really love you. I know you'll never give up on me, and so, i won't give up on myself either. Thank you for leading me all along this journey, thank you for everything.
 


Lee Zheng Yann,
My gorgor! I'm not sure if i'll ever see you again but i'm really sure that i will miss you. Thank you for letting me insult you all the time, and making you do things for me. We always have things to talk about, even though you're one year older than me. We just get along like that and it's comfortable talking to you. Thank you for accompanying me sometimes in school, too. I'll miss you for sure, take care!



Wong Qi Le,
My sifu! Thank you for always helping me out and making me improve even when i didn't ask. And thank you for always spotting me during tumbling sessions. You're a really strong cheerleader and i look up to your spirit. Thank you for always helping me and making me a better cheerleader. :)



Lim Chee Chao,
Chao gor. It's been 2 years since you graduated, we don't see each other of talk often but you're still treating me like a baby sister of yours. it's magical how every time when i feel like i have nothing and no one i can rely on, you'll just come popping up on my Whatsapp notification asking me why am sad, every.single.time. That just makes me feel a lot better after seeing you still caring about me even though i treat you like shit sometimes (like now). Thank you for always taking care of me even after so long, and letting me use foul language on you when i'm mad. Thank you for not forgetting me. Glad i met you. :')



Cyc23s,
The best friends-family i've ever had, i swear! I thank God for bringing me to all of you, it's a blessing. Knowing all of you was one of the best part of my life. I can just be myself around all of you, without worrying if someone will think that i'm annoying, judge me, or talk behind my back. Because i know that none of you will, and i love all of you will my heart. Thank you for treating me like family and making me feel welcomed even though i don't come often, and giving me concerns every once in a while. I love you, all of you!



Chea Jin Win,
My punching bag! Thank you for being my punching bag all the time. Though it's really not fair to you. And thank you for always fetching me around when there's practice. Although i really hate talking to you sometimes, because all you do is tell me : "aiyo don't care la, non of my business, lol zadao" etc etc lame responds that make me feel like ending the conversation, you're still the person i trust the most among all the people i know. Thank you for everything you've done for me :) but please, do one more thing for me, stop using bad words in every sentence you make. hehe.



Low Peak Sew,
Peak peak, though we're not that close anymore, but i still love you like how i do since the first day i met you. Well of course, more than that. I know you've been through a lot this year, and i know that you're that strong little girl who likes to keep things in your heart instead of sharing it. But just so you know, i'll always be here when you need someone to talk to. I will be by your side, whenever you need me, i promise. You got me, just as long as you need me. Thank you for being by my side when i need a lift sometimes. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I love you, i really really do. :) and i hope you'll be happy again, like, really really happy, from the bottom of your heart, instead of faking a smile to please and make people smile all the time. I'm not a superhero, neither are you. When you want to fall, just do, i'm always ready to catch you.
You don't always have to be strong, you know?

















Last but not least, of course...










Ivy Then Tze Shieng,
As everyone knows, i'm the closest with you. We just won't run out of things to talk about. Although we fight sometimes and i get all unreasonable and bossy sometimes, i thank you for tolerating and  never having the thought of leaving my side. I know i have this attitude, and i treat or talk to you in a way you don't like sometimes, you'd just get over it after a second or few, because i know you love me. And just so you know, i love you as much too. There's one point of love where you can't possibly leave that person no matter what they do, or how much they make you hate them, or how much they've hurt you, you just won't stop loving them, and that, is how much i love you. Thank you for being by my side the whole year, sharing secrets with me, listening to my complains, lending me your shoulder when i cry, telling me what's wrong and what's right, giving me advices to make me a better person, helping me out without me knowing, everything.

I know you're always upset and you always have a lot of emotional thoughts in mind, but i want you to know, i'll always be here when you need a shoulder to cry on. Then, now, and forever.


Thank you for being my best friend, thank you for everything you've done for me. I love you. 
Bitch. :p




Till then.

Merry Christmas,

i've got my present for the year already, 

i love you, all of you.