Rise then Fall.

For 2 weeks, i was at the exact down hill of my life. I started to feel worthless, I felt unwanted, I felt unappreciated, I felt unloved, I felt.... alone.


I used to like walking behind, because i feel secure, knowing that there will be someone in front of me, because i'm afraid if i walk too fast, i will lose everyone when i turn back. At the same time, i felt like i was protecting everyone, everyone in front of me, because i get to watch them, i get to look after them.
But this habit, is starting to become something really negative for me. I noticed whenever i try to "protect" people, they face me with their back. I noticed everyone who once said they'll be there for me when i fall, who will always be ready to catch me when i lose balance, is always facing me with their backs. One day, walking at the end of everyone, again, i questioned them in my heart : "how would you notice when i fall, when you face me with your back all the time?"
My heart sank for a second.


When i start to love someone, i love them endlessly. Try giving me a name of someone i used to be really close with and question me if i still love him/her. The answer will usually be yes.There were a hundred, no, a thousand times when i find reasons to give up on loving someone, i just couldn't. I can't possibly know how someone can leave someone because of one reason, one argument or something they've done. My love is deep, and it's endless. I don't like showing them, i don't like letting people know how i truly feel for them. Maybe that's the reason why people always complain how ice-y cool i am. The fact is, i'm not.
I remember staying up till 4 in the morning, just to accompany one of my friend when she's down, because she needs me. I remember running up and now to find something for my friend. I remember giving my friend unexpected surprises. I remember how i bought a Mickey plush all the way from Florida to my friend's hand, just to show her how much she means to me, and that i havecve her in mind no matter where i go.


But i don't know since when, loving became a really tiring job. I start to crave for love, i start to wish i was loved back with the same way, I start to feel that everything i gave out was unappreciated at all. I wanted to be loved back, i wanted to feel the feeling i give to people, i wanted someone who loves me back 24/7. I know true love never seek for return but, after all, i am just a person. I am not the Lord, or Jesus Christ, or a pastor or any well-trained leader in church. I am a person, i would love to be loved too.


All the time i hear people telling me i look really steady, cool and strong. Does that means it's not possible for me to fall? Does that means i'll always have to show someone how strong i am? Does that means i don't stand a chance to cry and be treated like a little girl?
Why?


Maybe i just take this whole loving thing too seriously.


I realized i've been building walls around me, I've been pushing people away. I start to feel hatred inside me, i start to have the thought of giving up.
If you tell me you don't think i've tried, i'd answer
"who would have the thought of giving up when they haven't even started trying?"


For 2 weeks, i flooded my pillow with my tears every single night, leaving some questions to myself. I was really tired and depressed, and i realize there are so many things that i'm holding on still, when i'm supposed to let them go a long time ago. I expected people who told me they love me and will be there for me to notice how torn i am, but i don't think any of them was that sensitive about me.

And so,


I gave up. I gave up trying so hard to be around people, i gave up expecting, i gave up expecting people to appreciate the things i've done for them. I gave up expecting someone to love me. I gave up literally every single thing.


Heart aching, but i can't seem to find a reason to keep me going anymore.



"I'm done, i give up, I don't wanna pretend no more. That's it, so what, I've lost a friend before. Gonna say it like it is, no more wondering what if, that ain't the way you ougtha live. 'Cause i don't want you to love me, if you're not gonna love me for me." - Love me for me, Cher Lloyd. 

“你不懂我内伤，能笑我也尽量”



这两年，一百天里面，有四十天是不开心的。
很多事情我都不愿意告诉人，
因为对我来说，没有人会明白
对我来说，他们都只会说 “你想多了。”

没有一个人会愿意去想没有发生且会让人不高兴的事情。
很多人常说我不多笑，我不爱笑
能笑，谁又不会？
我的人，如果没有去笑的理由，是很难笑出口的。
真正值得去笑的理由，我很早就已经失去了。


我不是没有努力过，我不是没有尝试过
我努力得很辛苦，我尝试得很累
就是因为爱，我坚持。
就算心被伤得伤痕累累，我都坚持。
我坚持得好心痛。


我不是你们眼中那样幸福
我不是每一天都可以过得很开心的人
我和一般人一样，我有很多隐藏着的秘密
我和一般人一样，我会跌倒，
我会羡慕，我会妒忌。


我为谁掉过几次泪，我知道。


面具戴得再紧，也总会有脱落的一天。
很想放弃，很想离开。

Here comes the time when i have the urge to blog again. It's pretty typical of me that i only blog when i'm not happy.


Well, i'm not happy. I don't think i am at all. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. But i don't have an excuse to stop what i'm doing, or any other choice to make. What i'm doing and what i have to do just keeps getting more and more, harder and harder, and i have to try my best to keep myself on track, to maintain my speed, cause if i don't, i'll fall.


Sometimes i ask myself, "why am i doing this to myself?" But there's no use asking such question, cause even if i repeat it a thousand times, there's still no turning back. I started it, and it's now my responsibility. It was my choice, and i'll have finish it no matter what.


自己选的路，跪着也要走完·.


And just when i can sit down for a break, my mind starts running. Every time it does, i'll just get more and more depressed. There are still so many things in my mind that i can't let go of. I know it's still there all the while, i just refuse to think about it. But when i'm quiet and alone, it'll just come and hit me again.


Why do i have so many unhappy thoughts that i can't let go of? Why and how did everything turn this way? Everything used to be perfect.... I had everything, i can say, everything. But now it just feels like i've lost everything, so many things that i couldn't afford to lose, i lost it all.


"so what if i met them? i lost them."
"so what if i have this now? i lost that."
there are so many things that i would give out just to make it all come back to me again.


All the things that used to make me feel like the luckiest girl on earth, i lost them all....







I just can't.