Segian.

 我喜欢这张照片，因为照片里面的我们是很自然，很开心的.

突然有一个感动要写这段话给你们...

记得刚进入你们的圈子，我只认识一个人。我不多话，因为当时的我是充满忧郁，充满自卑的。而且我也很被动，我不懂得怎么先和别人说话。我记得会认识你们，都是因为你们会尝试了解我，就算我看起来不容易亲近。但是无论如何，我还是觉得我和你们有着一种距离，一种可有可无的感觉。

其实我很喜欢你们。我喜欢你们什么都会一起做，我喜欢你们每次都有说有笑。和你们一起的感觉很轻松，很自在。不知道什么时候开始，我开始融入你们。甚至今天，我觉得我被你们重视。我真的很感恩。

你们带给我的欢笑，是我很久都没有找到的。你们给我的关心，不是每个人都愿意给的。每当我在家人面前提起你们，我都会不停的在笑；每当我和中学的朋友提起大学，我都会觉得我是最开心的。因为我有他们没有的——你们。

其实今年，我真的以为是我最糟糕的一年。我一直都不想读大学，认识你们之前，我一点都不开心。但是认识你们以后，我发现我比以前笑多了很多，我发现自己开心了很多。因为你们，就算每天起床去学校都不会觉得累，觉得无聊。原来今年，是我最开心的一年。

在你们帮我庆祝生日的那一刻，我回想到我曾经盼望可以成为你们的一分子的时候。当天你们为我唱生日歌的时候，其实我真的很开心... 谢谢你们。我知道在我们里面，还有一些是没有很我真正聊过的，但是谢谢你们当天也愿意为我庆祝，为我唱生日歌。真的 真的谢谢你们。

谢谢你们接受我，

谢谢你们疼爱我，

谢谢你们关心我，

谢谢你们逗我笑，

谢谢你们的庆祝，

谢谢你们的欢乐，

谢谢你们的幸福，

谢谢你们来到我的生命当中。

当我告诉你们  你们是我18岁最好的礼物的时候，请不要以为我在开玩笑

我很珍惜，很爱你们每一个。

也许我们的关系会因为时间而改变，但是你们给我的回忆是时间带不走的。

ps. 我知道以为这 gang 有很多人，难免你会觉得你自己可有可无  但是我可以告诉你，你不是。我相信每一个人对每一个人都很重要 

至少对我来说，你是。

小说

你们喜欢看小说吗？

我很少看小说，但是最近 我迷上了一本小说
我喜欢小说的故事
我喜欢读着小说的时候 我总是会不知不觉的笑起来
我喜欢读着小说的时候 我会忘了所有的压力 烦恼
我喜欢读着小说那一刻给我的幸福 给我的小小喜悦。

但是我发觉 没有小说的时间 我会很空虚
我开始不喜欢没有小说的时间
我开始不喜欢需要等待才可以看下一集
我开始埋冤 为什么出版社要让读着等待
我开始变得自私。

原来 喜欢上一个东西也会很痛苦
习惯 有时候是危险的

但是一旦喜欢上了 可以那么容易戒掉吗？

The Common Goodbye.

Throughout the years, i've come to realise that the most common way of someone saying goodbye to me - is not saying goodbye at all.

I'm very sensitive when it comes to the people i love and the people i care about, it is very typical of me to appreciate them as much as i can. When i love someone, i always find myself forgetting the fact that they might or will leave me someday.

I do understand that it's normal that people will leave someday. We'll drift apart, we'll have less in common, we'll change. But when someone makes me feel so important to them on the last second and stop talking to me without a reason on the next second, is not okay for me.

To me it is really irresponsible and unfair. When you do this to someone, have you ever thought how many questions they have to go through before they can get over this friendship/relationship?
What have i done wrong?
Am i not good enough?
Did someone else replace me?
What happened to us?
...

I don't think they know what it feels like to be left hanging that way.
It's just like buying a puppy, treating it with all your love and care, and once you know the puppy is starting to rely on you and is loyal to you, you just leave it home alone and never come back ever again, leaving it to die alone. It is equally as cruel as that. 
Maybe they don't understand, or they won't understand. Because they don't care or don't value you as much as you value them.

I can never let go of people who did this to me, because i value them too much to forget them, i love them too much to hate them. This has always been stuck inside me, i just have to let it out every once in a while.

If you've ever done this to anyone or ever wanted to do this to anyone, please don't. If you want to leave, at least give them a reason, they deserve to know.






Signed off.

Hardest days of my life?

As i mentioned before in the 'Emotional Breakdown' post several months ago, i have rashes on my face. There was a massive improvement several weeks ago, to the point where i thought it wouldn't come back again. Unfortunately, it did, it hit me like a lightning.

Do you have a fear? Say you have to wake up to your biggest fear everyday, and you have to go through it almost every hour of every single day, would you be terrified? Let's say you're afraid of spiders, imagine that you have to touch a spider and let it crawl on you every hour of the day just so you can pass another day, wouldn't it be scary?

Well, these things on my face, are my biggest fear. I have to wake up in the morning, walk towards the mirror with my heart pounding rapidly and wishing what i see in the mirror is what i want to see, and having the fear that it wouldn't be what i want to see, every. single. day.

Growing up i was never really insecure about myself, because i am happy with how i looked, and everything else in me. I was a confident person. Never in my life that i've felt so insecure about myself before. I need to build up my courage these days just so i can walk out of the house, i have to swallow how i feel about myself so that i wouldn't make everyone else around me feel sorry for me, especially my parents. I would have to try to look into the mirror and not cry, and tell my reflection that everything is going to be okay, because i believe in Him.

No matter how many times i repeat positive things to myself, i still know that these things on my face are still eating me up, making me want to cry every second, making me hate myself, making me wish i could kill myself. And this has been continuing since the last 2 months or more. Staying strong? Easier to be said than done.

But being in this stage, i've learnt something. Surely, when you're in an unfortunate situation, you would start to look at the people around you and ask yourself : "why me?"
I compared myself with my gang of girls, all 6 of them. I started to hate them, i hated them for having flawless skin, i hated them for being so lucky that they don't have to go through what i am going through, i hated them for not trying to understand me and being there for me when i'm at my lowest. I hated them so much because at some point i really wished i was one of them.

Then i realised, how can i hate them for not trying to understand me, when i've never even tried to understand them?
I don't know what it's like to lose a father at such a young age.
I don't know what it's like to grow up in a complicated family.
I don't know what it's like to have to leave someone you love unwillingly.
I don't know what it's like to have so much responsibilities at this age, when i can't even handle myself.
And the list goes on and on. I came to realise that all 6 of my girls, are all strong and beautiful girls. Thinking about all the things they've been through, and all the things they're still going through, made me realise how lucky i am to be me. As odd as it sounds, i felt lucky. The rashes on my face, the hardships i've experienced and been through, are absolutely nothing compared to theirs. I may have rashes, but it can and may go away, but once you've lost someone you love, you won't get them back.
If you are reading this, my girls, you are beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I'm so thankful that i found a positive message when all of my thoughts are negative.

One of the worst things about having this whole allergy thing is that i break my family's heart too. I've cried in front of them several times, and i know it sucks when they see me cry, just like how it sucks when you see your mother cry and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. There were so many times i tried to suck it back in, but every time my mother tries to comfort me, i just lose it. And i realise that at the end of the day, nobody is gonna be there for you like your family, and no one will love you unconditionally like they do, no matter what situation you are in.

2014 is still pretty sucky since the start for me. There isn't a day that goes by where i can just go out like a normal person without worrying that people on the streets will look at me and think : "wow, what's happened to this girl?" because of my face. I believe everyone needs to go through a really tough stage in their lives, perhaps this is mine? I just want 2014 to end, i just want all of these to end as soon as possible.

Dear Lord, there's nothing else i would wish for.




Singing off.

thankful for friends.

2.5.2014 ❤️

My first semester, which is a short one month semester just ended on Tuesday. Although it's only a short one month, i am thankful that i met these people. 

We had to find our own group members for the Malaysian Studies group presentation and assignment, somehow, we found each other. We are from different programs, and i was the only one taking diploma in marketing among them. Since it's only a short one month, i thought we would be less close, like we'll get our homework done, once this semester is over we would go on our own again. But they made it so hard to have this attitude.

On the exact day of the mid term test, i suffered a major skin allergy on my face and my parents had to bring me to get medical attention. Of course, i would have to take my test some other day. When i was in the car falling asleep, my phone rang.

It was one of them. She said : "Jyeshin, quick, give me your student ID, we cheated and finished the test for you! Now all we need is your student ID! " My jaw dropped when i heard that, haha. Apparently i didn't have my student card with me and i don't know my student ID, so they couldn't pass up the paper for me. Anyhow, it was really heart warming to know that they actually tried to help me with the test :'D ! Also, they gave me all the answers! On the next day of school, i even got to know that they tried other ways to find my student ID, they checked the attendance list to see if they can find it there, how adorable! heh.

I know only selfless people, and people who treat you like their true friend would do this for you, so i am very, very thankful.

I've heard a lot of things about the friends we'll friend in college, the divas, the selfish, the fake, etc. But who i met were all selfless and pure, and they really do treat you like friends, this is another thing to be thankful for.

Although i don't really talk with you all, because it takes me a little longer to warm up, i still want to tell you guys you guys are the best, and thank you for making me one of your friend. Good luck and see you guys real soon! :)

emotional break down.

Being very honest, i am very confident about myself. I'm always proud to be me, proud of who i am, proud of what i can do. I feel lucky, i feel blessed, i feel wonderful all the time.

But this time, i'm no longer proud about myself, i am no longer secure. I'm a positive person, but this isn't what i can bear anymore.

A few months ago, i started getting rashes on my face. It brought me a shock because my skin had always been stronger than ever, it can take in any products, my scars heal pretty fast, i have no allergies, no serious breakouts or what so ever.

The rash started on the left side of my cheek, then it got to both sides of my cheeks, and now - it's all over my face.

I've done everything i could to stop this from happening, i tried literally everything. I am not allergic to anything, i tried to cut down poisonous food, i tried to be more careful with my products, nothing helped. It just kept getting more and more serious, and i am seriously frustrated.

I've come to the point where i fear my own reflection, i'm afraid of the mirror, i don't want to look at myself. Looking into the mirror, staring at myself and not crying seems to be a challenge. It's just too heartbreaking to know that what you've never wanted is happening to you, and it's not going away.

I'm afraid to go out, i'm afraid to meet people. I don't even want to leave my room because my family would just talk about my face and this only makes me feel worst. I'm pushing people away. Yes, they can tell me to keep my chin up, they can tell me i'll recover in no time, but they don't understand.

I hated people who tell me what to do when i'm at this point, because they don't understand, and yet they act like they do. I need comfort, not a guideline.

I've never ever hated myself this much before. I've never ever felt so unlucky to be me before.
All i can do now is hide, crying and wishing all the tears can wash these ugliness away.

How much longer do i have to feel this way? I'm not happy.

Stay determined.

I believe every graduated student would have to make a huge decision about their future career, well, i'm at that stage too. 

I believe this is a really hard stage for us all. A few months ago, high school examinations were the only thing we have to worry about, and just within a few months, we have to decide our future. We have to go through so much at this stage, all the seniors and oldies giving us different advices and opinions, parents forcing us to be something we have completely no interest of, we don't know what we want, we're afraid that we might make the wrong choice, etc. 

I was at that stage, i had to make a decision. After i'm sure of what i want, everyone just came in front of me and told me 

That's not a good choice

There's no bright future in that

You're worth more than that

That's something average people do

I see no bright future in that

I'm not supporting you

Well, you know what? Who cares! Who cares what other people say? My parents' friends can give me opinions that i wouldn't be happy to hear, even my own friends can. But it doesn't matter to me. 

Look, everyone can tell me what to do, they can say anything they want and make it sound easy, they can tell me what i'm doing is stupid, but who are they to tell me what to do? Sometimes you just can't take what people say too seriously. Just because you said by being a doctor i'll surely be successful, then i must be a doctor? No. Just because my future career doesn't have a name that's up above like doctors or lawyers doesn't mean i won't get to be successful. 

Imagine the founder of Starbucks said : "i'm going to make coffee and i'm going to be rich!" before starting this whole Starbucks thing, i don't think people would say anything nice but make it sound like a joke. 

I truly believe that there are possibilities in everything we do, so don't change your mind just because someone said you wouldn't archive anything in what you're going to do. Don't change your mind because people tell you that you can't be more than what you imagine you can be. 

a judgement can affect you for a minute ; a decision can affect you for a lifetime.

Are you going to be a lawyer for the rest of your life when all you ever wanted to be was an actor? I'm not going to hate my job and myself for the rest of my life just because someone said something to turn me down. I'd rather find a job that makes me happy than earning lots of money but hating my job. 

Maybe someday i'll be successful, or maybe i might not, but i know i'm gonna fight for what i want. I don't have to prove anyone wrong, proving someone is just like someone's judgement, they only last for a minute, it doesn't matter to them, because it's my life, not theirs. 

I'm gonna do what i want because it's what i want and it makes me happy, not because i want to prove people wrong. Not letting anyone make me change my mind, stay determined, that's what i'm going to do.




Faith, trust, hard work, and little lifts from God.
Wish me luck! :)

3 days of working.

Hello! It's been awhile since the last time I've ever posted something on this page, or even use the computer.


Since I just had my second working experience, I wanted to blog about it :)
I worked at Mid Valley's IT fair for 3 full days. It wasn't very hard but the only killer was we had to stand for 12 hours straight besides the short breaks during out lunch and dinner.

Of course, there are fun parts. We were the part timers and the full timers and crew was pretty friendly, they weren't as scary as I thought they would be. They were just like us, a little older but still acting like a teenager when they talk to us and tease us.


I think the best part was working with my favorite person - Liphoong. We were in the same booth and we would give each other a fist bump or a high or low five when we success in convincing a customer to buy our products. Working could be boring when everyone just come and go in front of your booth, but he would do so many silly faces to make sure I put a smile on my face to him or to the other customers. I think we always have a lil chemistry when we work together, working with him gave me a little flashback to our school's Pameran last year, where we would talk so many silly things together to convince people to play games at our booth, heh!


But during day 2 we were in separate booths, which is just across each other's booth. We didn't get to talk that much but he still did all his silly faces to me every time I lay my eyes on him. He even danced Psy's gentlemen dance and got caught by one of the full timer that was laughing at him the whole time with me! 


It's always good to have a little sunshine around you :')


During working i got to meet so many people, some who are deaf, some who can't speak at all, and of course, typical Malaysians! They would do whatever it takes to get a lower price from you. Not just Malaysians, even some white people i served bargained with me. I storied my mother and she went : "you see, it's not just me! Everyone is like that."


On my 1st day of work an uncle asked me :
"you just came back from overseas?"
"no i just graduated from high school"
"your English doesn't sound local huh"
haha, a little over joyed. I haven't speak in English for quite a while now and of course my confidence was pretty low, you don't know what a simple sentence can do to someone. *hearts*


On day 2 i served another uncle till he went to pay for his buy, after paying he came back to me and said "你很棒！一直笑 " and gave me a thumbs up. It really boosted me up because i was about to reach the point of showing an unhappy face due to my painful feet. It's always amazing how God choose to support and surprise you to keep you going :')


Day 3 was pretty bad cause i wasn't happy the whole day. But i got to experience what do people do after they end a fair. We had to stay back to clear the booth together, it's kinda amazing what teamwork can do. We had to carry the boxes of products to the somewhat storeroom and when i went to grab a box one of the crew handed me one and said "this one is specially for you" and it was a really, really light weighted box, haha!


Anyway people, respect promoters because you don't know what they've been through the whole day and how many people they have to serve and please in a day. And of course, their painful feet that are almost flat after a long day of standing, that's the worst, i swear.


Sorry if this post is really long and i thank you for reading this from the start till the end. I want to and will try to blog more often! :)


Toodles!