For 2 weeks, i was at the exact down hill of my life. I started to feel worthless, I felt unwanted, I felt unappreciated, I felt unloved, I felt.... alone.
I used to like walking behind, because i feel secure, knowing that there will be someone in front of me, because i'm afraid if i walk too fast, i will lose everyone when i turn back. At the same time, i felt like i was protecting everyone, everyone in front of me, because i get to watch them, i get to look after them.
But this habit, is starting to become something really negative for me. I noticed whenever i try to "protect" people, they face me with their back. I noticed everyone who once said they'll be there for me when i fall, who will always be ready to catch me when i lose balance, is always facing me with their backs. One day, walking at the end of everyone, again, i questioned them in my heart : "how would you notice when i fall, when you face me with your back all the time?"
My heart sank for a second.
When i start to love someone, i love them endlessly. Try giving me a name of someone i used to be really close with and question me if i still love him/her. The answer will usually be yes.There were a hundred, no, a thousand times when i find reasons to give up on loving someone, i just couldn't. I can't possibly know how someone can leave someone because of one reason, one argument or something they've done. My love is deep, and it's endless. I don't like showing them, i don't like letting people know how i truly feel for them. Maybe that's the reason why people always complain how ice-y cool i am. The fact is, i'm not.
I remember staying up till 4 in the morning, just to accompany one of my friend when she's down, because she needs me. I remember running up and now to find something for my friend. I remember giving my friend unexpected surprises. I remember how i bought a Mickey plush all the way from Florida to my friend's hand, just to show her how much she means to me, and that i havecve her in mind no matter where i go.
But i don't know since when, loving became a really tiring job. I start to crave for love, i start to wish i was loved back with the same way, I start to feel that everything i gave out was unappreciated at all. I wanted to be loved back, i wanted to feel the feeling i give to people, i wanted someone who loves me back 24/7. I know true love never seek for return but, after all, i am just a person. I am not the Lord, or Jesus Christ, or a pastor or any well-trained leader in church. I am a person, i would love to be loved too.
All the time i hear people telling me i look really steady, cool and strong. Does that means it's not possible for me to fall? Does that means i'll always have to show someone how strong i am? Does that means i don't stand a chance to cry and be treated like a little girl?
Why?
Maybe i just take this whole loving thing too seriously.
I realized i've been building walls around me, I've been pushing people away. I start to feel hatred inside me, i start to have the thought of giving up.
If you tell me you don't think i've tried, i'd answer
"who would have the thought of giving up when they haven't even started trying?"
For 2 weeks, i flooded my pillow with my tears every single night, leaving some questions to myself. I was really tired and depressed, and i realize there are so many things that i'm holding on still, when i'm supposed to let them go a long time ago. I expected people who told me they love me and will be there for me to notice how torn i am, but i don't think any of them was that sensitive about me.
And so,
I gave up. I gave up trying so hard to be around people, i gave up expecting, i gave up expecting people to appreciate the things i've done for them. I gave up expecting someone to love me. I gave up literally every single thing.
Heart aching, but i can't seem to find a reason to keep me going anymore.
"I'm done, i give up, I don't wanna pretend no more. That's it, so what, I've lost a friend before. Gonna say it like it is, no more wondering what if, that ain't the way you ougtha live. 'Cause i don't want you to love me, if you're not gonna love me for me." - Love me for me, Cher Lloyd.
