Here comes the time when i have the urge to blog again. It's pretty typical of me that i only blog when i'm not happy.


Well, i'm not happy. I don't think i am at all. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. But i don't have an excuse to stop what i'm doing, or any other choice to make. What i'm doing and what i have to do just keeps getting more and more, harder and harder, and i have to try my best to keep myself on track, to maintain my speed, cause if i don't, i'll fall.


Sometimes i ask myself, "why am i doing this to myself?" But there's no use asking such question, cause even if i repeat it a thousand times, there's still no turning back. I started it, and it's now my responsibility. It was my choice, and i'll have finish it no matter what.


自己选的路，跪着也要走完·.


And just when i can sit down for a break, my mind starts running. Every time it does, i'll just get more and more depressed. There are still so many things in my mind that i can't let go of. I know it's still there all the while, i just refuse to think about it. But when i'm quiet and alone, it'll just come and hit me again.


Why do i have so many unhappy thoughts that i can't let go of? Why and how did everything turn this way? Everything used to be perfect.... I had everything, i can say, everything. But now it just feels like i've lost everything, so many things that i couldn't afford to lose, i lost it all.


"so what if i met them? i lost them."
"so what if i have this now? i lost that."
there are so many things that i would give out just to make it all come back to me again.


All the things that used to make me feel like the luckiest girl on earth, i lost them all....







I just can't.