thankful for friends.

2.5.2014 ❤️

My first semester, which is a short one month semester just ended on Tuesday. Although it's only a short one month, i am thankful that i met these people. 

We had to find our own group members for the Malaysian Studies group presentation and assignment, somehow, we found each other. We are from different programs, and i was the only one taking diploma in marketing among them. Since it's only a short one month, i thought we would be less close, like we'll get our homework done, once this semester is over we would go on our own again. But they made it so hard to have this attitude.

On the exact day of the mid term test, i suffered a major skin allergy on my face and my parents had to bring me to get medical attention. Of course, i would have to take my test some other day. When i was in the car falling asleep, my phone rang.

It was one of them. She said : "Jyeshin, quick, give me your student ID, we cheated and finished the test for you! Now all we need is your student ID! " My jaw dropped when i heard that, haha. Apparently i didn't have my student card with me and i don't know my student ID, so they couldn't pass up the paper for me. Anyhow, it was really heart warming to know that they actually tried to help me with the test :'D ! Also, they gave me all the answers! On the next day of school, i even got to know that they tried other ways to find my student ID, they checked the attendance list to see if they can find it there, how adorable! heh.

I know only selfless people, and people who treat you like their true friend would do this for you, so i am very, very thankful.

I've heard a lot of things about the friends we'll friend in college, the divas, the selfish, the fake, etc. But who i met were all selfless and pure, and they really do treat you like friends, this is another thing to be thankful for.

Although i don't really talk with you all, because it takes me a little longer to warm up, i still want to tell you guys you guys are the best, and thank you for making me one of your friend. Good luck and see you guys real soon! :)

emotional break down.

Being very honest, i am very confident about myself. I'm always proud to be me, proud of who i am, proud of what i can do. I feel lucky, i feel blessed, i feel wonderful all the time.

But this time, i'm no longer proud about myself, i am no longer secure. I'm a positive person, but this isn't what i can bear anymore.

A few months ago, i started getting rashes on my face. It brought me a shock because my skin had always been stronger than ever, it can take in any products, my scars heal pretty fast, i have no allergies, no serious breakouts or what so ever.

The rash started on the left side of my cheek, then it got to both sides of my cheeks, and now - it's all over my face.

I've done everything i could to stop this from happening, i tried literally everything. I am not allergic to anything, i tried to cut down poisonous food, i tried to be more careful with my products, nothing helped. It just kept getting more and more serious, and i am seriously frustrated.

I've come to the point where i fear my own reflection, i'm afraid of the mirror, i don't want to look at myself. Looking into the mirror, staring at myself and not crying seems to be a challenge. It's just too heartbreaking to know that what you've never wanted is happening to you, and it's not going away.

I'm afraid to go out, i'm afraid to meet people. I don't even want to leave my room because my family would just talk about my face and this only makes me feel worst. I'm pushing people away. Yes, they can tell me to keep my chin up, they can tell me i'll recover in no time, but they don't understand.

I hated people who tell me what to do when i'm at this point, because they don't understand, and yet they act like they do. I need comfort, not a guideline.

I've never ever hated myself this much before. I've never ever felt so unlucky to be me before.
All i can do now is hide, crying and wishing all the tears can wash these ugliness away.

How much longer do i have to feel this way? I'm not happy.