As i mentioned before in the 'Emotional Breakdown' post several months ago, i have rashes on my face. There was a massive improvement several weeks ago, to the point where i thought it wouldn't come back again. Unfortunately, it did, it hit me like a lightning.
Do you have a fear? Say you have to wake up to your biggest fear everyday, and you have to go through it almost every hour of every single day, would you be terrified? Let's say you're afraid of spiders, imagine that you have to touch a spider and let it crawl on you every hour of the day just so you can pass another day, wouldn't it be scary?
Well, these things on my face, are my biggest fear. I have to wake up in the morning, walk towards the mirror with my heart pounding rapidly and wishing what i see in the mirror is what i want to see, and having the fear that it wouldn't be what i want to see, every. single. day.
Growing up i was never really insecure about myself, because i am happy with how i looked, and everything else in me. I was a confident person. Never in my life that i've felt so insecure about myself before. I need to build up my courage these days just so i can walk out of the house, i have to swallow how i feel about myself so that i wouldn't make everyone else around me feel sorry for me, especially my parents. I would have to try to look into the mirror and not cry, and tell my reflection that everything is going to be okay, because i believe in Him.
No matter how many times i repeat positive things to myself, i still know that these things on my face are still eating me up, making me want to cry every second, making me hate myself, making me wish i could kill myself. And this has been continuing since the last 2 months or more. Staying strong? Easier to be said than done.
But being in this stage, i've learnt something. Surely, when you're in an unfortunate situation, you would start to look at the people around you and ask yourself : "why me?"
I compared myself with my gang of girls, all 6 of them. I started to hate them, i hated them for having flawless skin, i hated them for being so lucky that they don't have to go through what i am going through, i hated them for not trying to understand me and being there for me when i'm at my lowest. I hated them so much because at some point i really wished i was one of them.
Then i realised, how can i hate them for not trying to understand me, when i've never even tried to understand them?
I don't know what it's like to lose a father at such a young age.
I don't know what it's like to grow up in a complicated family.
I don't know what it's like to have to leave someone you love unwillingly.
I don't know what it's like to have so much responsibilities at this age, when i can't even handle myself.
And the list goes on and on. I came to realise that all 6 of my girls, are all strong and beautiful girls. Thinking about all the things they've been through, and all the things they're still going through, made me realise how lucky i am to be me. As odd as it sounds, i felt lucky. The rashes on my face, the hardships i've experienced and been through, are absolutely nothing compared to theirs. I may have rashes, but it can and may go away, but once you've lost someone you love, you won't get them back.
If you are reading this, my girls, you are beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I'm so thankful that i found a positive message when all of my thoughts are negative.
One of the worst things about having this whole allergy thing is that i break my family's heart too. I've cried in front of them several times, and i know it sucks when they see me cry, just like how it sucks when you see your mother cry and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. There were so many times i tried to suck it back in, but every time my mother tries to comfort me, i just lose it. And i realise that at the end of the day, nobody is gonna be there for you like your family, and no one will love you unconditionally like they do, no matter what situation you are in.
2014 is still pretty sucky since the start for me. There isn't a day that goes by where i can just go out like a normal person without worrying that people on the streets will look at me and think : "wow, what's happened to this girl?" because of my face. I believe everyone needs to go through a really tough stage in their lives, perhaps this is mine? I just want 2014 to end, i just want all of these to end as soon as possible.
Dear Lord, there's nothing else i would wish for.
Singing off.
