The Struggle

"You're so lucky"

Every time i hear that being said to me, i just wish i could tell them : It's not what you see.

Everything that remains unseen in a person, is the ugliest part of a person. People get jealous of me because they've never seen what i chose to hide. All the struggles, the struggle of trying to be a normal person.

I am unhealthy. I have skin problems. I wake up everyday and look into to mirror, just to see what my skin condition is today. It can be good, or it can be horrible. I have insecurities, too. I have a low self esteem, low self confidence, and at times, i wish i could hide and not see a single person and i would wish i was someone else, too.

No one in this planet can feel the exact same pain as you do. Of course, i may seem like i have a good life, i can laugh all day and joke around, i have a loving family, loving friends. But no one knows i try so hard to get myself together everyday, i try to pull every single bit of me that's strong together so i don't fall apart in front of people who care about me, i don't story what i've been through because i don't think anyone will understand. But once i loosen up myself, every nightmare starts to eat me up again. 

No matter how many times i stood up, i can still be beaten up by the same reality-nightmare over and over again. I can cry every night if i wanted to, because i feel pain everyday. I can cry everyday because i wish to be a normal person everyday, someone who can do whatever i want without having to worry about the things that i do will trigger the inner illness of mine. 

Do you know the struggle of wanting to be a normal person?

You wish you were me? Maybe i would wish i was you. 

Segian.

 我喜欢这张照片，因为照片里面的我们是很自然，很开心的.

突然有一个感动要写这段话给你们...

记得刚进入你们的圈子，我只认识一个人。我不多话，因为当时的我是充满忧郁，充满自卑的。而且我也很被动，我不懂得怎么先和别人说话。我记得会认识你们，都是因为你们会尝试了解我，就算我看起来不容易亲近。但是无论如何，我还是觉得我和你们有着一种距离，一种可有可无的感觉。

其实我很喜欢你们。我喜欢你们什么都会一起做，我喜欢你们每次都有说有笑。和你们一起的感觉很轻松，很自在。不知道什么时候开始，我开始融入你们。甚至今天，我觉得我被你们重视。我真的很感恩。

你们带给我的欢笑，是我很久都没有找到的。你们给我的关心，不是每个人都愿意给的。每当我在家人面前提起你们，我都会不停的在笑；每当我和中学的朋友提起大学，我都会觉得我是最开心的。因为我有他们没有的——你们。

其实今年，我真的以为是我最糟糕的一年。我一直都不想读大学，认识你们之前，我一点都不开心。但是认识你们以后，我发现我比以前笑多了很多，我发现自己开心了很多。因为你们，就算每天起床去学校都不会觉得累，觉得无聊。原来今年，是我最开心的一年。

在你们帮我庆祝生日的那一刻，我回想到我曾经盼望可以成为你们的一分子的时候。当天你们为我唱生日歌的时候，其实我真的很开心... 谢谢你们。我知道在我们里面，还有一些是没有很我真正聊过的，但是谢谢你们当天也愿意为我庆祝，为我唱生日歌。真的 真的谢谢你们。

谢谢你们接受我，

谢谢你们疼爱我，

谢谢你们关心我，

谢谢你们逗我笑，

谢谢你们的庆祝，

谢谢你们的欢乐，

谢谢你们的幸福，

谢谢你们来到我的生命当中。

当我告诉你们  你们是我18岁最好的礼物的时候，请不要以为我在开玩笑

我很珍惜，很爱你们每一个。

也许我们的关系会因为时间而改变，但是你们给我的回忆是时间带不走的。

ps. 我知道以为这 gang 有很多人，难免你会觉得你自己可有可无  但是我可以告诉你，你不是。我相信每一个人对每一个人都很重要 

至少对我来说，你是。

小说

你们喜欢看小说吗？

我很少看小说，但是最近 我迷上了一本小说
我喜欢小说的故事
我喜欢读着小说的时候 我总是会不知不觉的笑起来
我喜欢读着小说的时候 我会忘了所有的压力 烦恼
我喜欢读着小说那一刻给我的幸福 给我的小小喜悦。

但是我发觉 没有小说的时间 我会很空虚
我开始不喜欢没有小说的时间
我开始不喜欢需要等待才可以看下一集
我开始埋冤 为什么出版社要让读着等待
我开始变得自私。

原来 喜欢上一个东西也会很痛苦
习惯 有时候是危险的

但是一旦喜欢上了 可以那么容易戒掉吗？

The Common Goodbye.

Throughout the years, i've come to realise that the most common way of someone saying goodbye to me - is not saying goodbye at all.

I'm very sensitive when it comes to the people i love and the people i care about, it is very typical of me to appreciate them as much as i can. When i love someone, i always find myself forgetting the fact that they might or will leave me someday.

I do understand that it's normal that people will leave someday. We'll drift apart, we'll have less in common, we'll change. But when someone makes me feel so important to them on the last second and stop talking to me without a reason on the next second, is not okay for me.

To me it is really irresponsible and unfair. When you do this to someone, have you ever thought how many questions they have to go through before they can get over this friendship/relationship?
What have i done wrong?
Am i not good enough?
Did someone else replace me?
What happened to us?
...

I don't think they know what it feels like to be left hanging that way.
It's just like buying a puppy, treating it with all your love and care, and once you know the puppy is starting to rely on you and is loyal to you, you just leave it home alone and never come back ever again, leaving it to die alone. It is equally as cruel as that. 
Maybe they don't understand, or they won't understand. Because they don't care or don't value you as much as you value them.

I can never let go of people who did this to me, because i value them too much to forget them, i love them too much to hate them. This has always been stuck inside me, i just have to let it out every once in a while.

If you've ever done this to anyone or ever wanted to do this to anyone, please don't. If you want to leave, at least give them a reason, they deserve to know.






Signed off.

Hardest days of my life?

As i mentioned before in the 'Emotional Breakdown' post several months ago, i have rashes on my face. There was a massive improvement several weeks ago, to the point where i thought it wouldn't come back again. Unfortunately, it did, it hit me like a lightning.

Do you have a fear? Say you have to wake up to your biggest fear everyday, and you have to go through it almost every hour of every single day, would you be terrified? Let's say you're afraid of spiders, imagine that you have to touch a spider and let it crawl on you every hour of the day just so you can pass another day, wouldn't it be scary?

Well, these things on my face, are my biggest fear. I have to wake up in the morning, walk towards the mirror with my heart pounding rapidly and wishing what i see in the mirror is what i want to see, and having the fear that it wouldn't be what i want to see, every. single. day.

Growing up i was never really insecure about myself, because i am happy with how i looked, and everything else in me. I was a confident person. Never in my life that i've felt so insecure about myself before. I need to build up my courage these days just so i can walk out of the house, i have to swallow how i feel about myself so that i wouldn't make everyone else around me feel sorry for me, especially my parents. I would have to try to look into the mirror and not cry, and tell my reflection that everything is going to be okay, because i believe in Him.

No matter how many times i repeat positive things to myself, i still know that these things on my face are still eating me up, making me want to cry every second, making me hate myself, making me wish i could kill myself. And this has been continuing since the last 2 months or more. Staying strong? Easier to be said than done.

But being in this stage, i've learnt something. Surely, when you're in an unfortunate situation, you would start to look at the people around you and ask yourself : "why me?"
I compared myself with my gang of girls, all 6 of them. I started to hate them, i hated them for having flawless skin, i hated them for being so lucky that they don't have to go through what i am going through, i hated them for not trying to understand me and being there for me when i'm at my lowest. I hated them so much because at some point i really wished i was one of them.

Then i realised, how can i hate them for not trying to understand me, when i've never even tried to understand them?
I don't know what it's like to lose a father at such a young age.
I don't know what it's like to grow up in a complicated family.
I don't know what it's like to have to leave someone you love unwillingly.
I don't know what it's like to have so much responsibilities at this age, when i can't even handle myself.
And the list goes on and on. I came to realise that all 6 of my girls, are all strong and beautiful girls. Thinking about all the things they've been through, and all the things they're still going through, made me realise how lucky i am to be me. As odd as it sounds, i felt lucky. The rashes on my face, the hardships i've experienced and been through, are absolutely nothing compared to theirs. I may have rashes, but it can and may go away, but once you've lost someone you love, you won't get them back.
If you are reading this, my girls, you are beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I'm so thankful that i found a positive message when all of my thoughts are negative.

One of the worst things about having this whole allergy thing is that i break my family's heart too. I've cried in front of them several times, and i know it sucks when they see me cry, just like how it sucks when you see your mother cry and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. There were so many times i tried to suck it back in, but every time my mother tries to comfort me, i just lose it. And i realise that at the end of the day, nobody is gonna be there for you like your family, and no one will love you unconditionally like they do, no matter what situation you are in.

2014 is still pretty sucky since the start for me. There isn't a day that goes by where i can just go out like a normal person without worrying that people on the streets will look at me and think : "wow, what's happened to this girl?" because of my face. I believe everyone needs to go through a really tough stage in their lives, perhaps this is mine? I just want 2014 to end, i just want all of these to end as soon as possible.

Dear Lord, there's nothing else i would wish for.




Singing off.

thankful for friends.

2.5.2014 ❤️

My first semester, which is a short one month semester just ended on Tuesday. Although it's only a short one month, i am thankful that i met these people. 

We had to find our own group members for the Malaysian Studies group presentation and assignment, somehow, we found each other. We are from different programs, and i was the only one taking diploma in marketing among them. Since it's only a short one month, i thought we would be less close, like we'll get our homework done, once this semester is over we would go on our own again. But they made it so hard to have this attitude.

On the exact day of the mid term test, i suffered a major skin allergy on my face and my parents had to bring me to get medical attention. Of course, i would have to take my test some other day. When i was in the car falling asleep, my phone rang.

It was one of them. She said : "Jyeshin, quick, give me your student ID, we cheated and finished the test for you! Now all we need is your student ID! " My jaw dropped when i heard that, haha. Apparently i didn't have my student card with me and i don't know my student ID, so they couldn't pass up the paper for me. Anyhow, it was really heart warming to know that they actually tried to help me with the test :'D ! Also, they gave me all the answers! On the next day of school, i even got to know that they tried other ways to find my student ID, they checked the attendance list to see if they can find it there, how adorable! heh.

I know only selfless people, and people who treat you like their true friend would do this for you, so i am very, very thankful.

I've heard a lot of things about the friends we'll friend in college, the divas, the selfish, the fake, etc. But who i met were all selfless and pure, and they really do treat you like friends, this is another thing to be thankful for.

Although i don't really talk with you all, because it takes me a little longer to warm up, i still want to tell you guys you guys are the best, and thank you for making me one of your friend. Good luck and see you guys real soon! :)

emotional break down.

Being very honest, i am very confident about myself. I'm always proud to be me, proud of who i am, proud of what i can do. I feel lucky, i feel blessed, i feel wonderful all the time.

But this time, i'm no longer proud about myself, i am no longer secure. I'm a positive person, but this isn't what i can bear anymore.

A few months ago, i started getting rashes on my face. It brought me a shock because my skin had always been stronger than ever, it can take in any products, my scars heal pretty fast, i have no allergies, no serious breakouts or what so ever.

The rash started on the left side of my cheek, then it got to both sides of my cheeks, and now - it's all over my face.

I've done everything i could to stop this from happening, i tried literally everything. I am not allergic to anything, i tried to cut down poisonous food, i tried to be more careful with my products, nothing helped. It just kept getting more and more serious, and i am seriously frustrated.

I've come to the point where i fear my own reflection, i'm afraid of the mirror, i don't want to look at myself. Looking into the mirror, staring at myself and not crying seems to be a challenge. It's just too heartbreaking to know that what you've never wanted is happening to you, and it's not going away.

I'm afraid to go out, i'm afraid to meet people. I don't even want to leave my room because my family would just talk about my face and this only makes me feel worst. I'm pushing people away. Yes, they can tell me to keep my chin up, they can tell me i'll recover in no time, but they don't understand.

I hated people who tell me what to do when i'm at this point, because they don't understand, and yet they act like they do. I need comfort, not a guideline.

I've never ever hated myself this much before. I've never ever felt so unlucky to be me before.
All i can do now is hide, crying and wishing all the tears can wash these ugliness away.

How much longer do i have to feel this way? I'm not happy.